Gregor's Quest
by gokart48
Summary: Collection of one-shots starring the drunken hero himself! Will Gregor ever find excitement in his life? How will Gregor accomplish his search? / What if Gregor's hardest battle came after the death of Grima? How will he face the bitter battle of an Election Campaign?
1. Gregor's Quest

**Warning: If you do not like how Gregor talks then run away! Seriously, Gregor speaks terrible English. But how can anyone hate him?**

* * *

_Seeing Tiki at the special tree thingy, Gregor realizes his mortality. Gregor must make life more meaningful and exciting! How does Gregor improve his life? Ah! Gregor must get very drunk to think of a plan._

_..._

_Where is the box of beauteous rum? Did Chrom hide sweet drinks from Gregor again? Perhaps dark witch girl knows._

"Ah-ha! There is Tharja! Gregor is needing to ask question. Is all right, yes?"

"I do not want to talk with you."

"Gregor will only take a moment of your time."

"I already told you I do not want to talk with you so LEAVE!"

"Gregor hears only what is needed to complete mission. Gregor must complete important task and ignores other words."

"...Can you really ignore what people say?"

"Oy! Gregor interests young lady of the night; perhaps will answer Gregor's question now.

"...That explains why my curses don't work..."

"Hmm? Black haired sorceress tried to curse poor Gregor?"

"Does it matter, it did not work!" _Witch lady is very angry about this, must be reason for unfriendly treatment._

"Ah, lady is mad at Gregor's immunity to magic yes? Gregor makes Tharja look like a fool or beginner in witchery."

"Say another word and I will cast a curse that removes your tongue!"

"Oh ho, but magic will not work on Gregor. Gregor only wishes to ask one question and then will leave magic user to herself."

"...Very well, but I have to find a way to curse you first!"

"Gregor must be cursed in exchange for question? Gregor is okay with this."

"...You are?... ...I need to know some things about you, or I will never find the problem."

"Young lady wishes to know Gregor's past? Gregor gladly will reveal the heroic history of young mercenary.

"...When is your birthday?"

"Strange question, but Gregor was born on 27th of January. Can Gregor ask his question now?"

"No! What year is your birthday?"

"Gregor celebrates birthday every year."

"GRR! When was the first moment you ever existed!"

"Gregor is not sure. Gregor believes it was nine months before leaving the womb of mother. Gregor's parents were very drunk and do not remember the night."

"EEEWW! That is too much information!

"Gregor answered question yes? Can Gregor ask his question now?"

"NO! ...perhaps I could...What is your blood type?"

"Gregor does not understand the question."

"Your blood, is it A positive B negative or the other types?"

"Gregor is positive that blood inside is red. Does young angry lady wish to turn Gregor's blood blue?"

"GRRR! Leave now!"

"But Gregor still has a question."

"I still cannot hex you, Therefore you will not waste my time anymore."

"Gregor is sad but understands. If only Gregor's brother was here. Brother always knew where to find such sweet aromas and brews."

"Wait!...You have a brother I could curse? What is his name!"

"Gregor."

"...You have the same name as your brother?"

"No, but when Gregor died from bandit attack, Gregor took Gregor's name to tribute Gregor.

"... ... ... So this is why I can't curse you, I have hexd the wrong person! Tell me your name!"

"Gregor."

"No you idiot! The name you had before you changed it."

"...Er... ...Gregor forgets real name."

"HOW DO YOU FORGET YOU NAME?!"

"Was a long time ago-"

"**OUT! leave my presence at once!"**

* * *

_Hmm Gregor did not mean to anger the crazy enchanter, Gregor just wanted to ask where the beer was... Ah ha! Perhaps the girl with the flying beast knows! No one could stay sober and fly on big thing with wings. _

_..._

"Cherche! Gregor is glad to see you!"

"Hmm? Oh Gregor, be careful where you step, Minerva is coming through."

"Oy! Giant wyvern will make snack out of poor Gregor before these hands can finish quest.

"Oh? What is so important that requires your attention.?"

"Gregor wants to have more interesting life, so Gregor must think of a plan."

"Hehe, I have a feeling I can help with that."

"You can help Gregor?"

"Heh… How would you like to take a trip somewhere"

"A trip sounds exciting, Gregor would like to know more about this trip."

"Join me for a ride on Minerva, in the open skies!"

"OY! ...Gregor has never said no to beautiful lady before...but Gregor cannot!"_ Flying Beast will try to trick Gregor and rip off limbs. _

"What's a matter? Scared of heights?"

"Gregor is not afraid of tall places...Gregor is afraid of falling from tall places."

"But it gets so lonely up there alone. Won't you aid me fair sir?"

"... Minerva says that the pretty lady is lying. Gregor is not falling for it."

"What? You can understand Minerva?"

"Gregor went to Wyvern Valley once for terrible job."

"What kind of job?"

"Gregor was to help attack defenseless wyverns. Gregor refused and helped protect a baby wyvern. Gregor did not get paid for treason."

*Minerva roars* "What is it girl?"

"Gregor recognize roar...Same roar that bit Gregor's bottom after saving baby wyvern."

"Oh my! ...Minerva says that she was the baby wyvern!... Thank you so much Gregor for saving her!

"No need with the thanking, Gregor was only doing his job. Gregor will never murder anyone, not even baby wyvern that tries to eat Gregor."

*Sniff* "Oh, Gregor, there must be something we can do to repay you."

"Stop, no crying please, breaks Gregor's fragile heart seeing lovely lady cry. Gregor must leave before problem grows worse."

"Wait! Gregor come back here! we must thank you somehow!...ugh he is gone, I will have to repay him."

* * *

_Gregor is not having much success. Gregor made two girls sad and did not obtain elixir of rejuvenation. Worse than the time Gregor was trapped in a tree for three days. Gregor must not let failures get to the heart. Gregor does not want to give up on mission!... Hmm? Red haired girl seems to be struggling with heavy crates. Gregor must help to atone for hurting other two ladies._

Sigh, "Oh, how can I ever make him love me?"

"Cordelia is trying to swoon a lucky guy? Gregor can make with the helping."

"Eek! G-Gregor? What are you doing lurking in the shadows?"

"Gregor was trying to find a good drink, but saw you struggling with heavy box."

"I...I wasn't ...oh what is the use."

"Gregor can help the sighing damsel with her troubles."

"It's fine, forget about me."

"Nonsense, Gregor gives advice. Love is a battlefield. Cordelia must charge and send full assault upon the victim and break all resistance."

"Uh, I think you are taking that metaphor to literally."

"Surprise attack leaves heart's fortress unmanned, yes? Then gates can be knocked over with battering ram of charm! Heart is then defenseless for final assault."

"I...I suppose that could work...but there is one problem."

"Oh? What troubles the young maiden?"

"He is already married..."

"Hmm, makes things more complicated, perhaps red headed flower should see Henry."

"Henry? What could he do?"

"Marriage is problem. Henry was mentioning his interest in killing. Gregor was disturbed, but scary raven boy can help you."

"...I suppose...wah? Gregor! How could you say something like that!"

"Gregor was only kidding! Gregor tries to turn around the frown on face."

""heh, oh...but...there is nothing I can do now...how foolish of me"

"Flying lady should not sulk. Cordelia is very beautiful and extremely smart. Cordelia will find fine young lad that sees perfection."

"...That is really sweet of you to say...thank you Gregor."

"No thanking Gregor. Gregor only says what is obvious to anyone who can see. Being smart is something Gregor lacks and envies."

"You are not dumb! Whatever gives you that idea?"

"Gregor was speaking with Miriel yesterday. Gregor could not understand any words."

"But that is normal! No one truly understands what she is saying."

"Cordelia is trying to console Gregor. Gregor does not need the pitying. Gregor is aware of his hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia"

"...Hippo-what?"

"hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, Gregor fears long words.

"...What?...That doesn't make...Who would come up with that!?"

"Gregor does not know how, Gregor just fears long words."

"No, I meant the word."

"Oy, Gregor misunderstood incredibly brilliant lady. Gregor apologizes for his stupidity.

"Your not dumb!... But no one has ever complimented me like that before..."

"Men are just shy at young stunning flower. Gregor can help you with that as well."

"Oh?"

"First, Gregor lifts heavy box, then Gregor tells you about possible candidates."

"... ...thank you Gregor."

"Oy! Gregor already told you no thanks are needed. Gregor is doing job."

...

* * *

_Gregor feels better, but Gregor still cannot find beer to fix problem. Hmm? Someone is behind Gregor._

"What's up, Gramps?"

"Oy, why does Nowi tease Gregor. Nowi knows Gregor's name is Gregor."

"Relax I was only joking."

"Gregor is hurt by such words! Gregor does not wish to be reminded-"

"Okay I am sorry!"

"Gregor remembers that Nowi is older than Gregor by thousand summers. Gregor should be calling Nowi old.

"OKAY! I was joking! But never mind, lets play!"

"Gregor is remembering the last time we played too."

"I said I was sorry!"

"Why do flying creatures want to eat or burn Gregor's bottom? Gregor wants to keep it or fears going to bathroom after a delicious feast."

"...I promise I will be more careful!"

"Gregor only has one bottom! The minute Gregor was born his father was hitting it! Gregor does not understand!"

"...Erm... I think he was trying to get you to cry when you were born."

"Gregor does not cry, not even with Gregor was very young. Not even when Gregor ripped the back to bones."

"You did what now?"

"Is embarrassing story. Involve slippery rock and angry squirrel."

...

"...So can we play?"

"Gregor cannot, Gregor needs to complete important quest."

"Oh? What is so special?"

"Gregor must get drunk."

"How is that important?"

"Gregor wants to have a more exciting life. Gregor is becoming more...distinquicnhed...disstingquin...-"

"Old?"

"Dragon lady continues to tear apart Gregor's heart. Gregor make with the leaving."

"Hey wait! How does getting drunk make a day more exciting?"

"Hmm? Gregor thinks better with ale in stomach. Gregor needs to think about how to enjoy life."

"Well I already know the answer!"

"Nowi knows secret to exciting life?"

"Of course! You have to play with me!"

"Gregor and bottom do not believe this."

"We didn't play long enough! I promise that wont happen again!"

"Gregor is afraid, but Gregor will play with Nowi."

"Yay!"

...

"I am REALLY sorry!'

"Gregor does not wish to talk about it."

"Honest I had to sneeze and I could not hold it in!"

"Gregor has had enough roasting for a lifetime. Gregor will play no more."

"AWW! It wasn't at the butt though!"

"Gregor's area in front of bottom is even more important. Gregor needs to sit down."

"Let me help you."

"No, Gregor is fine. Nowi can go and find someone else to play with."

"But..."

"Please leave old man to himself. Gregor is tired."

"Gramps need a nap?"

"Nowi continues to break Gregor's heart."

* * *

_Quest for ale is more difficult than Gregor was expecting. Gregor should consult Lissa. Perhaps employer's sister knows where he hid the tasty drinks._

...

"EEEKK!"

"Lissa? What has princess screaming like banshee?"

"There right in front of you!"

"Where? Gregor does not see anything."

"It is right in front of you!"

"...Gregor only see small ant in front of feet."

"That's it! EEEKK!"

"Gregor is confused on how small ant scares princess. Lissa afraid of any other things?"

"Hmm... Well, I don't like snakes, obviously. Or frog or newts. Any amphibian, really. Spicy food makes me break out in a rash, but I'm not scared of it, per se. But yeah, I guess that's about it. Er, except for the dark ...Long nails kind of creep me out, too. Especially if they're all dirty? Oh, and lemons! Don't even get me going on lemons. But the worst are ghosts! Oh, they are just absolutely terrible... ...Yeah, so I guess that's everything. Oh, wait! Certain kinds of sausage-"

"Gregor is sorry for asking."

"I know...it is a lot."

"Is okay, Gregor afraid of long words, falling, things that breathe fire, or try to eat Gregor."

"Really? I suppose long words are scary...oh and falling, I don't know how Sumia handles it... you might want to stay away from Nowi. Hehe I think we all are afraid of the last one.""

"Gregor experience many of these things today. Gregor not wanting to make this habit.

"...Thanks Gregor."

"What is with the thanking?"

"It is just nice to know that I am not the only one with fears...I swear my brother is afraid of nothing and constantly scares me on purpose."

"Everyone fears something, Gregor will help scare brother."

"Oh, there is no need, I just wish I could get over my fears."

"Gregor can help with that too."

"How?"

"Lissa take baby steps to beat scary things."

"Like?"

"Try touching ant."

"Are you crazy! It will bite or it will crawl all over me or ICK!"

"Lissa start smaller...like touch a lemon."

"EEEKK! Don't mention Lemons!"

"Gregor has an idea, both attack a fear together."

"Like?"

"Gregor is terrified of heights. Gregor was offered ride on Wyvern earlier. Lissa can join Gregor.

"Y-you mean in the air?...I..er ...I feel chills just thinking about it!"

"Gregor is scared too, but will help frightened boss' sister."

"...I...I don't know."

"Gregor will go first to show it is safe?"

"...Okay!" _Gregor needs to stop helping people."_

_..._

"Cherche! Gregor would like to be part of air. If wyvern promises not to eat Gregor."

"Really you will ride on Minerva? That is great! Trust me you will love soaring in the sky."

"Gregor still believes that feet should stay on ground. Gregor is small bit of afraid."

"There is no need to worry! I promise you wont fall off. As long as you hold onto me then everything will be fine."

"Gregor is comforted by pretty lady's words, but Gregor will be holding on very tight."

"Hehe just don't let go!"

...

_GAHHHH! Gregor is regretting this! *Whoosh* OY! Gregor is feeling light headed. __ Gregor is going to hurl._

"Do you like it? Wait until Minerva goes full speed!" _Gregor is never helping Lissa again! Gregor is going too fast!_

"Ready Minerva? DIVE!" _Oh gods! Gregor wants off. Gregor wants feet on ground! *Fwoosh* ** Gregor not want to be part of ground!**_

_"_Did you feel that? The wind screaming past your face!" _Wind is not only thing that wants to Scream! _

"Do you want to go again?!"

"Gregor is fine." Gregor_ cannot handle that. Gregor is better off with fear of heights._

"Okay! Minerva lets go again! _That is not what Gregor Meant! Gregor wants off. *Fwoosh* Gregor wants MOMMY!_

* * *

_Too tired...Gregor gives up on mission. Tactician looks tired over there too. Gregor will say hi before going to sleep place. _

"Robin! Gregor sees circles around eyes. ."

"Huh? Oh hi Gregor I was just thinking..."

"Gregor knows that look! Robin is in love with a fair lass yes? Gregor and Robin are both guys, both feel that same feeling!

"...Er... no...I was just planning the battle against Yen'fay."

"Oy, you cannot hide from Gregor. You are in love with beautiful girl!"

"N-nonsense."

"Gregor must know who the lady is!"

"You are wasting your time it will never happen...I don't even know how to find the right words."

"Robin finally found something cannot outwit?"

"..."

"HaHa! Gregor will help you!"

"I don't need help."

"Robin plans to be out here all night?"

"...I suppose it can't hurt."

"Gregor will tell you for one thing in return!"

"...Which would be?"

"Nice mug of fine ale!"

"...Okay Chrom has been hiding the reserves, but if you can help me I will sneak one by."

"Explain the lady...Is married?"

"What?! Of course not!"

"Is very good, Gregor was afraid of needing to visit Henry."

"What?"

"The lady, have you talked to her?"

"Yes...it is hard, but I try to comfort her."

"Good! Makes Gregor's job easier! Gregor knows what you must do!"

"Are you going to keep me in suspense?"

...

...

...

"Yes."

"Gregor! You are supposed to be helping me!"

"Ha Ha Gregor is sorry. Have you tried giving her flowers?"

"Huh? I...never thought of that."

"Gregor solved mystery! Give flowers to girl!"

"...What type of flowers?"

"Gregor cannot say, it will ruin the thought behind it! Robin must think of right flower himself!"

"...I see."

"Gregor get beer now?"

"...Sure, thanks Gregor."

"Gregor should be thanking you! Gregor has been looking for beer all day!"

"...You know we are half a mile from an Inn right? You could have just walked or flown over there."

"...Gregor asks no mention flying...Gregor is still sick..."

...

"Well here is your brew, enjoy. Hopefully your plan will work tomorrow. I just fear she may not-"

"Robin is talking crazy . Guaranteed success with lady!"

"I hope you are right...Good night Gregor."

"Good night"

* * *

_Gregor had busy day. Gregor does not want excitement anymore. Gregor is okay with nice peaceful life. Gregor no longer needs this drink to think of a plan...Gregor will still drink it though! Hmm? Why is tent flap open? Who enter's Gregor's tent?_

"Father."

"Gregor is confused...Gregor is not a father."

"...I am your child from the future." _Gregor has own version of Lucina?_

"Gregor has no wife!"

"...But you talked with mother today." _Gregor hopes it is not tactician._

"Who is mother?

"Just look at me and you can tell."

"Gregor is very tired, cannot see in front of feet. Gregor makes with the fainting"

_...Gregor has own child in the future...Gregor marries one of the girls... Gregor need to think about this..._

_..._

_**Gregor needs to find more beer!**_

* * *

Still with me?... Gregor was always one of my favorite supports for any conversation. It is a toss up between Gregor and Henry for funniest supports. I know this was probably hard to read, but I still hope it was funny nonetheless. If anyone is really bored then they can count how many times I had to spell Gregor Ha Ha. As always, _**HAVE A GREAT DAY!**_


	2. Campaign Promises

_Warning! If you fear a proper noun (name) used multiple times, or verbs used incorrectly in a sentence, then run away! Also, a preposition and the end of a sentence is something I will not put. Oh yeah, pesky disclaimers. This is a parody and it is not meant to be taken literally._

* * *

Gregor's Election

Today is a very important day. Today is the last day before the voters choose who they want to be President of their country. It is a three way race and only one candidate is left to speak. Will he win the hearts and minds of is peers or be shunned and cast aside?

_**Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the future President of our beloved country!**_

*Cheers, applause, adoration, naked guy being tackled by bodyguards.*

A man waves to the crowd and walks to a podium.

"... ... ...Microtome is no working? Then Gregor makes with the YELLING!"

...

"Today, Gregor would like to speak to beloved people. Gregor has heard about the recent problems around our great nation, and it worries Gregor's soul like angry wyvern losing kin. However! Gregor assures you that we can come out of this mess and rebuild our great nation!

*Applause*

"Gregor promises to solve issues and debates if nice people elect charming candidate. Many people have asked Gregor about problems, and Gregor knows tough problems when Gregor sees them. Gregor hears about the concerns of, healthcare, the heat, our debts, and many other problems that strain head. Oy, the road to happiness is long and windy, but Gregor promises we will run like rabbit chased by hungry fox!"

...

"Gregor does not wish to make with the lying. Gregor is honest man. Gregor makes a promise and keeps it! Gregor promises future better than yesterday!"

*Cheers*

"Gregor knows about two parties making with the fighting. My opponents have closed down all government buildings because of their fighting, and it makes Gregor sad. At this time, no one can visit the landmarks which hold our greatest achievements. The biggest can of beer in the world. The history of rum museum, and our most beloved landmark. The Samuel Adams monument. This is why Gregor does not represent either. Gregor is not a man of partying, but Gregor is man of People! Gregor wishes to fight for people with brave sword of justice!"

*Clapping*

"Oy! Gregor has thinked long and hard about how to fix hole in gover mint...goovermant...big building with many people. Gregor can lower debt by helping eco non omomy. Gregor has simple plan. Lower the cost of beer and more people will buy! The more people that buy, the more taxing monies the big building gets, and big building loses debts. Gregor has secondary plan too. Gregor lowers drinking age! Gregor knows that everything is better for people with cheaper drinks of spirits!"

*Thunderous ovation by the men*

"Gregor knows past few decades hurt country and its people in many ways, but now is not the time for sulking and giving up. Despite terrible wars, famines, and other nasty thing. Nation is still youthful and valiant ox that continues moving with the progress. Together as one nation and one people, this great country can overcome its past hardships.

*Clapping*

"Gregor knows there are many more problems than debt owed to other countries with money we no have... Gregor will restate his campaign tactics of battlefield. Gregor fights for women rights and other things they do not have. Gregor promises women can play sports and fight in the army as beautiful soldiers instead of riding on wyverns that try to eat Gregor's bottom. Gregor will also lower beer prices for every lady that joins as a mercenary. You heard Gregor correct! Gregor promise to give every lady the chance to drink cheaply unless has young child in stomach. Gregor does not wish to see beautiful women harm future voter of Gregor."

...

"Gregor knows about drought and problems it can cause to crops. Gregor is making with the solution! Gregor receives aid from neighboring country. The water aid they supply will end drought of county yes? Gregor will pour water on dying dirt and plant vineyards. Vineyards make delicious drinks that makes everything better! Then Gregor pours drink on new crops. Seed gets so excited, that it grows ten times faster! Soon our country is full of life and Gregor ends drought!"

...

"Gregor would like to talk about health and care of people. Many people have filled hospitals, and Gregor sees staff overworked. Gregor understands they are a private business and will not interfere, but Gregor still would like to help. Gregor supplies beer to nurses and surgeons to make things better! Nurses are always cranky and mean when talking to Gregor. They need a drink to cheer them up and work through tough conditions. Surgeons worry about hands too much. They talk about fear of their hands shaking. Gregor solves this worry with same solution!"

...

"Oy! Gregor is worried about next topic of issues. Gregor raise hand in air with fist to emphasizes importance. Gregor hears about people setting fire to strange weeds. Gregor does not approve of setting green things on fire! Gregor wishes for strong people to resist urge to turn green things to ash. Smell of smoke hurts Gregor's nose and people of our country. Gregor thinks less times should be spent on smoking of green plants and more time drinking from plants! Gregor's fragile heart would break if anyone set fire to grapes and barley. Children would whine and citizens would be ailed by their loss."

"Gregor wishes to discuss one more matter. Gregor stresses importance of this issue too! Gregor's heart dies every time he hears about abuse in marriage. Gregor is ashamed of men that try to hurt gorgeous ladies. No man should ever lay a hand on a stunning flower. Beautiful women are the greatest resource in our world. Marriage is sacred and man should respect his wife with honor and chivalry! Gregor hopes to marry soon and experience the sweet joy of happiness."

*Single women sigh and stare in admiration*

"As smart people know, my friend and future Vice President Henry is a man of the people too. Together we will help unite this country and end problems! However, Gregor and Raven man cannot do it alone. The country can only get better with help of its proud people. Together as one nation and with the help and support of everyone. We can rebuild our great country of Plegia and see much prospering!"

*Two minute applause*

"Gregor wishes to thank concerned voters for listening. Gregor only wishes to see people happy, but Gregor needs your help. Gregor asks that everyone votes for Gregor in the upcoming election. Gregor must make with the leaving now. Gregor has to save young cat trapped in a tree. Gregor knows the pain and suffering of being trapped in a tree. No one, not even frightened cat should have to suffer again. Gregor Promises a future of many rejoicing!

*chants as Gregor leaves the stage*

**"Gregor! Gregor! Gregor!"**

**...**

_Gregor approves of this message._

_This speech was funded by the "Every Girl who has an A support with Gregor Foundation" and the National Drinking Association._

* * *

Gangrel and Valider royally screwed up, so it is time we put a competent man in charge of Plegia! Er...well at least someone that cares about the people. Vote for Gregor and Henry for a better Plegia!

There are 300 grammar errors in this. 295 are intentional,and five I can never seem to spot.

Would you believe that spell check read this with nearly no errors?


End file.
